BIZPOLAR

Starting Exploratory Therapy: Why my blog on Bipolar Disorder immediately fell off a cliff and what I should do about it

Sun, 04 Nov 2012 06:20:35 -0500

I haven’t visited Twitter or posted on Bizpolar in months, and I want to explain how my work here fell off a cliff entirely out of the blue.

After being on an NHS waiting list for over two years, I was recently given a place for therapy. I was told that it is exploratory psychoanalysis, and it may open up more issues than it immediately solves. I was told that I was very lucky to receive a place at all, and should really value everything that my therapist tells me and what I learn as a result.

The reason why I stopped writing is simple: my therapist told me to. In my first session I explained about my passion to document my working life as someone with Bipolar disorder and how pleased I am with what I had been starting to do. He told me that it was unhealthy behaviour, and was immediately questioning my sense of identity. Do I consider myself disabled? Why am I ‘creating’ this Bipolar online identity? Do I even have Bipolar at all?!?

He advised me to back off this blog and my tweeting, to pursue ‘healthier’ behaviours and interests. But I’m wondering now: is this truly any of his business? Why did I jump to do exactly what he said? If he told me to divorce my husband or quit my job, would I have done that as well? I feel like I have been diminished and am under his control. And now, after a few sickness absences since starting my therapy, I am wondering whether it is harming more than it is helping. As a new ‘service user’ I am now being made to feel weaker and sicker than I did before. All of my thoughts and activities are under a critical eye. At a time when I have been doing fine for a while, did I even need medical treatment? With these NHS waiting lists and lack of help when you actually need it, is this a system that is supporting mental illnesses effectively?

So I am going to begin looking closely at my weekly sessions with him and will be beginning to chronicle my experience, to try and analyse what is happening.

My Failures: Learning from Past Mistakes

Sun, 15 Jul 2012 11:17:00 -0400

“What was your biggest failure?”

I was recently interviewing for a new job when this question came up and I was quite taken-aback by it. At the time, I made up a suitably interview-spin response about not getting onto a PhD course which led me to actually start on my current career path. But it has got me thinking seriously about this subject: admitting and learning from failures in life is important and probably essential. I think I have spent a lot of time either trying to forget about the really bad times in my life, or ‘working through’ and ‘moving on’ from these moments with various therapists. Also in my career and my day-to-day job, I am constantly trying to convince others that I am a successful and beneficial member of the team. So if I am ignoring my failures, is that a failing in itself?

Therefore I decided to consider my biggest failures and what I have learnt from them:

I attempted suicide

I would consider this to be definitely my biggest failure. Some people (and I’ve certainly seen them on Twitter) might think that attempting suicide and still being alive is the failure. This might be so - from the perspective of suicide ideation etc. But as a suicide attempt survivor, I realise that the real failure was receiving that point in my life where I felt like the only answer was to give up entirely. Making the decision (or decision to ignore the fact) of selfishly abandoning my family and friends was certainly a major failing on my part - and probably the issue that now bothers me the most from that episode. But deciding that I wasn’t going to try anything to make my life better was a major failing.

Having said that, I am pleased that it happened, as it led to my diagnosis of Bipolar I. For me, my suicide attempt was also very clinical in nature: a result of a major manic episode leading to a major depression, which - coupled with being misdiagnosed and given the wrong medication - induced the ‘mixed state’ episode that ‘sealed the deal’, so to speak, on my life. I’m also pleased as its now given me the perspective and knowledge that I always needed on the topic of ending your life. I was always that-way-inclined: as a teenager I used to ruminate with a like-minded friend for hours on how great it would be to commit suicide (she actually eventually succeeded and died at age 21), and the best choices for how to go through with it. As an adult, it always seemed to be a valid option: if life got that made and depression that terrible, then why not? But after coming so close to completing it, I now know that suicide is not the easy option at all. It is tortuously painful, frightening behind comprehension, idiotically stupid as a chosen decision, and ultimately it is masterfully selfish.

Never again.

My first marriage ended in divorce

Another moment of my life that I would consider a serious failing, is my first marriage. Looking back on the relationship, it wasn’t really ever good to start with. I sort of ‘fell into it’: drunken kiss leading to more, leading to international visits and trips together, leading to the decision to marry in order to be together. Due to the nature of the distance relationship, when we saw each other, I was always on a ‘high’ (which I know understand to be hypomania), maintaining ‘rose-tinted glasses’. It sounds clichéd, but I didn’t listen to my gut, which time and time again I knew to be telling me that this is the wrong decision. And we also didn’t get married for the right reasons. I was also too young and the relationship was not tested enough for it to succeed in marriage. It was only after we got married that I realised what he was really like. The relationship was abusive: he was controlling, rather violent with clear anger management problems, and he was an alcoholic.

But again, I have grown as a person because of it. I am no longer idealistic or naive. I also now realise that you have to make choices for the right reasons - if it for the wrong reasons, it is likely to fail. Finally - and again most importantly - I now understand what a good relationship looks like, and the healthy and positive way in which partners should treat each other. It has all made me a better partner, and I am now in a relationship that is beautiful and which I cherish, and who I would never, ever take for granted.

I consistently fail to maintain friendships and close family relationships

Another life failure that bothers me the most, is my failure to maintain close relationships. I think that this is fairly common for people with mental health issues, for a variety of reasons (although saying that is probably an act of cognitive dissonance on my part). But the truth is that I have very few friends that I have stuck by me year after year, and I think that is due to failings on my part. I am quite socially strained - not so socially anxious per se, as I have periods of excellent social interaction (ahem, hypomania). But my abilities to maintain relationships lack consistency, as sometimes I am willing to socially interact, but a lot of the time I am not. This makes some family members or friends believe that I have ‘changed’, or that my wanting to maintain a close relationship has somehow changed. I have also lost friends due to my manic behaviour, such as when I was at school, a friend stopped wanting to hang out with me as I was a ‘lying slut’. Harsh words but it was actually pretty accurate for how I was acting at the time. Also due to my perceptions of relationships during up and down periods - such as getting paranoid that they don’t like me - I push people away or alienate them. And finally, I think that I very rarely sincerely explain how much I appreciate my friends and family.

This is the first time that I have fully admitted this failing to myself, and I think there is a lot of work to do to improve on this. I imagine that a large part of fixing this, is honesty. I should honestly explain where I am coming from, how much I value them, and try to come up with best ways to interact and see them. I will try and reach out and see whether that helps.

So, what does all of this mean?

Failure is a fact of life, making you a normal human being, and it is even considered by many as an essential human right. Although the failures I have listed are massive, and the results have affected my life in profound ways, it is good that I can understand and learn from them.

And I believe this relates to everyone. Having a mood disorder might make me have some more dramatic life failures than the average person, but the learning-curve is the same. I hope by sharing this I help others, and I would strongly recommend that you sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with yourself about failures in your life, and the lessons that you have - or should have - learnt from them. Embracing the bad as well as the good sides of yourself is also the only way to truly love and forgive yourself.

****

In this post I discuss suicide. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please take it seriously and let someone know. There are many very good helplines that I fully recommend, which can offer assistance, support and understanding. Also remember that it is never the right answer and you should never consider it as a valid option.

Managing Symptoms in the Workplace: Dealing with Bipolarities of Depression and Mania

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 10:56:00 -0400

I recently read a really great blog post about managing Bipolar symptoms on a daily basis: ‘How to Reduce Bipolar Disorder Mood Swings’. I fully agree with many aspects of the post, especially in regards to keeping to medication and having a good sleep pattern. These are the initial building blocks of maintaining a positive and productive lifestyle for most people with mental health issues. I cannot stress this enough as the main priority.

However, whilst reading over her points, it struck me that I employ very specific habits and ‘survival tactics’ to my everyday life in the office, which may also be good to share. Being at work can be difficult, especially on a day when you are feeling a little more vulnerable or volatile. Over the past few years since my Bipolar I diagnosis, I have been working out ways to keep up a successful career and it has a lot to do with managing symptoms, so that hypomanic states do not escalate, and thoughts of sadness do not lead into a full-blown depression. After rather long periods of sickness and disability absences from work, it occurs to me that staying in the workplace and trying to make it work, is often the best thing.

So what do I do on a day-to-day basis?

I think that a number 1 most important thing for a person with Bipolar Disorder, is to have an advance plan and a private ‘safe’ place in or near their workplace. This can be an unused conference room in an office, secluded bench at a nearby park, even a private toilet room can work fine. It needs to be a place that you can go to, when you need to get away and be alone for a little while. It should be quiet, a place where you are unlikely to be disturbed and easily assessable from where you sit. Whether up or down, this is really important. So once you have your private ‘getaway’ place planned, and have decided on what you would do if you needed to go to this, then that is the first step to managing your moods at work.

So, for days/moments when I am feeling higher: lightheaded, lots of thoughts, jittery, irritable; it is good to utilize the already planned private space. When I feel like I am starting to lose control, I go there and spend ten quiet minutes. I often turn the light off and have zero distractions. I focus on my breathing and use some of my meditation exercises. That often works as a complete ‘reset’ for when things are getting out of control and stressful. It is often a good idea to set an alarm for 10 or 15 minutes, so that (paranoid) thoughts of staying too long, or (racing) thoughts of needing to leave are kept at bay.

When I’m at my desk, I find it’s always a good idea to turn off the email alert on my Microsoft Outlook email client. That way, there aren’t constant messages popping up in the corner of my screen and winding me up further. If you are worried about not keeping up with emails due to this, then set a little reminder message every 20 minutes so you can check it then. I drink a non-caffeinated hot drink, such as a flower tea like Camomile and Rose, and start listening to some mellow music such as Classical music Nocturnes or Yoga Music (more on building mood soundtracks shortly). If your work doesn’t allow listening to music privately/isn’t appropriate to, then consider wearing earplugs for a while to block out noise so you can calm down and refocus your thoughts.

Finally, talking about stress and getting wound out: there are certain things you can do in any job that will help to lower your stress levels. This is personal to each person, but I find that when I procrastinate on tasks that I do not want to do – or are afraid of – I get far more worked up and stressed about it then normal. Likewise, if I try to do too much – whether it is tasks in a day, or meetings during a worktrip – my stress levels increase. Aside from stress, people with Bipolar can work themselves up through doing certain activities in the workplace that build manic thinking. These include obsessing over certain tasks, getting overly social and talkative, and losing track of time, whether its working late or failing to take a lunch break. If you try and curb these manic-like behaviours, you will find manic moments are much less of a problem. Therefore make sure you leave work on time!

For days/moments when I am feeling lower: sensitive, teary, despondent; I need to make plans to get through the day. Often going into work and ‘making it work’ help to alleviate negative thinking and sadness, so instead of taking a day off, try to go in – whether that is going in on autopilot. I plan my day so that I can point out the most important things to do, and create a schedule based on working time in the office, cut into half hour chunks. I find creating a Mindmap is most helpful for this task (you can download my preferred freeware here). When you are feeling sad, your body and mind will be slower, and so things will be harder. If you make peace with this fact, and work around it, you will find it much easier. Being less hard on yourself is another road to recovery.

When you feel you cannot cope, this is another moment to seek out your private place. Here you can have a little cry if you feel like it (often helps to get it out), but then wipe down and shake it off. Listen to some uplifting music and do some stretching exercises. In addition, over a lunch break, it is often good to leave your workplace and go for a walk to help clear your head. If it’s a nice day, sit in the sun for a little while and soak up some Vitamin D that is proven to make you feel better. Try to avoid comfort eating, which is another depressive cycle in itself: I find it helpful to have some tasty yet healthy snacks available in my desk drawer such as cereal bars, dried fruits or flavoured rice cakes. But not too many – overeating is as bad as depressive eating!

Finally, when you are feeling low, don’t go it alone. You don’t need to tell your colleagues everything – or anything much in fact – but making a point to have a conversation or two over the course of the day should also help raise your mood. Talking about things outside of your own mind/life helps to ground yourself, be it about another colleague’s kids project, a tv show that aired the previous night, or even the weather (which would be very British!) - is really good to push against the desire to close in and lock up. But if you do have a friend or colleague that does understand, then opening up for a quiet chat about how your feeling could clear the air and open you back up to a productive afternoon, day or even week.

Hope this helps! Please tweet me if you have anything to add to this discussion or any questions for me, I would love to hear from you: @Bizpolar

"How to change: Action speaks loudest. Here are quick and effective exercises that use the ‘As..."

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 09:25:00 -0400

“

How to change: Action speaks loudest. Here are quick and effective exercises that use the ‘As If’ principle to transform how you think and behave.

HAPPINESS: Smile:
This is the granddaddy of them all. As Laird’s study demonstrated, smile and you will feel happier. To get the most out of this exercise, make the smile as wide as possible, extend your eyebrow muscles slightly upward, and hold the resulting expression for about 20 seconds.

WILLPOWER: Tense up:
As Hung’s experiments show, tensing your muscles boosts your willpower. Next time you feel the need to avoid that cigarette or cream cake, make a fist, contract your biceps, press your thumb and first finger together, or grip a pen in your hand.

PROCRASTINATION: Make a start:
To overcome procrastination, act as if you are interested in what it is that you have to do. Spend just a few minutes carrying out the first part of whatever it is you are avoiding, and suddenly you will feel a strong need to complete the task.

CONFIDENCE: Power pose:
To increase your self-esteem and confidence, adopt a power pose. If you are sitting down, lean back, look up and interlock your hands behind your head. If you are standing up, then place your feet flat on the floor, push your shoulders back and your chest forward.

”

- Richard Wiseman (@RichardWiseman), Author of Rip It Up: The Radical New Approach to Changing Your Life. Quotation taken from ‘Self-Help: Forgot Positive Thinking, Try Positive Action’ in The Guardian, 1 July 2012.

Full (Dis)Closure: Coming Out With Mental Illness at Work

Sat, 30 Jun 2012 09:30:00 -0400

For many years, I have lived with the stress of not only living and working with a mental health condition, but also with trying to hide it from my employer and colleagues as well. I believe that I have been successful at both of these, but it has been difficult and an addition stress to my life. I recently disclosed my illness to my company and have learnt many things along the way which I would like to share to help others.

Working with Bipolar Affective Disorder can be very challenging in the basic act of managing to ride the moods effectively whilst continuing your every day working role. On low days, leaving the house, travelling to work and walking into the office can seem like too much, and I might have called in sick. On days where I feel high, anxiety and self-consciousness also have a negative effect, where I feel noticeably edgy and unable to think straight due to racing (and often paranoid) thoughts. Taking time off work sick in both instances can become a repetitive cycle of stress: the symptom triggers off the fear of going to work or being discovered at work, which then leads to withdrawal, which fuels the fire of more fear and anxiety. Time off work can put you in the hands of HR concerned with absenteeism, which is exactly what happened to me, so the night before the disciplinary meeting, I called up Mind and got expert advice.

When I learned from Mind about the Equality Act 2010 (UK Legislation which is not applicable in other countries) it came as a revelation: mental health illnesses are recognised as a disability and protected by law from discrimination of any kind. On the Mind website there is a thorough guide to mental health as a disability and I highly recommend you look at it. Disability is defined as a) the individual has a physical or mental impairment; and b) that impairment has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on the individual’s ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities. So if you have a diagnosis of a permanent impairment where adverse effects relevant to your work can be identified, then disclosing could be the answer.

This is certainly the case for me, so after two years of some fairly significant struggles, I ‘came out’ to my manager and a HR representative as having a disability. I had written a script to read out as I knew that it was going to be very difficult: “I would like to disclose that I have a disability as defined under the Equality Act 2010. I have Bipolar Disorder.” It was a nerve-wracking experience, but I was surprised how good it felt afterwards. It felt as though a weight had been lifted, and that the ‘elephant in the room’ had finally been discussed and released. You don’t need to say anything specific or elaborate beyond agreeing to see a Occupational Health advisor, but I also explained that Bipolar Affective Disorder (formally known as Manic Depression) is a life long illness that I believe I have had since birth, that there is some scientific consensus about chemical imbalances in the brain and that it can be controlled through effective and regular treatment.

After that meeting, my HR department arranged for me to attend an appointment with a Occupational Health (OH) company. I got worried again, thinking that they might report back that I wasn’t fit to do the job I was doing, or that the company needed to reduce my hours or responsibility level. However, when I went for my two hour appointment, I found them particularly helpful and was quite taken aback! At this meeting, I found out about ‘Reasonable Adjustments’ – which are mutually agreed changes that have to be made at the workplace in order for someone with a disability to be able to do their job to the best of their ability. So with the agreement of myself, my manager and OH, these provisions have been put into place – and I couldn’t be happier about it:

More flexibility about working hours: I am now able to come into and leave work earlier or later depending on how I am feeling. I can also take time off work without question for medical appointments

Working from home: on days that I do not feel able to come into work – but able to complete some of my job activities – I can work from home

I have an agreed extension of my sickness absence to what my doctor thinks may be needed (company policy is 10 days/year)

The work environment has been subtly changed: I’ve had a desk move to a window seat in the office in a calmer and quieter section.

More generally, my manager - and select colleagues - are now aware of the condition, and can understand when they notice any differences in my mood.

In summary: my act of disclosure about mental illness at work has actually felt like an act of closure. I am closing the door on fear, dishonesty and self-made stress, and opening up a new positive phase of my working life. My career in business suddenly feels full of positivity, possibility and new opportunity. And with these stressors managed, this is another area of my life that has been remission-proofed!

*** Disclaimer ***

Disclosure of a mental illness is not for everyone, and needs to be carefully thought out first. I would recommend before taking any action, to speak with your mental health advisor (if you have one) and/or with the Mind Helpline: 0300 123 3393 or info@mind.org.uk. Every company is different, and different managers can have different attitudes as well. Different countries have different laws on mental illness, if you are leaving outside of the UK this content may not apply and you should seek advice from a local/national mental health charity.

"“You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness..."

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 15:48:46 -0400

“

“You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress.

You are no amalgam of these things.

You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.”

”

- ~ Unknown

Why Twitter works so well for Bipolar people (and how best to use it)

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 06:23:00 -0400

Although this account is new, I have been on Twitter in both my individual professional capacity, but also representing my company through their marketing account for some time now. I have been very impressed by its capabilities and – although still very much a novice to social media – am a strong advocate to its immense benefit.

But whilst Twitter connects and helps people worldwide of any background or disposition, I want to argue that it works particularly well for people with Bipolar disorder. There are four main reasons why I believe that this is the case:

It enables effective output across changing moods. I think this is the most useful thing about Twitter – you can ride your moods with it. Through Tweetdeck, you can write and queue lots of interesting links, important opinions and statements. So when you are going through a time where you are more energetic and inspired, you can get lots down and plan in advance for less motivated times. In other ways of working - writing a diary for example - it is all in real time, and so productivity lulls when you are too down or too up to be as able. Twitter rides these storms well.

It enables communication and connection with others. Let’s face it: Bipolar Disorder isn’t always the most social reality. When you’re up, you can sometimes be very talkative and lively. You could also be quite irritable. When you’re down, you can be more introverted. In your every day life, it can alienate others that do not ‘get’ you. However, through the internet – and through Twitter in particular – we can communicate on our own terms. We can also open up to meet people who understand us, who would like to understand us, and others that simply are attracted to all the individual interests, thoughts and feelings that makes each individual person great.

It allows for creativity. People with Bipolar Disorder tend to be more creative, one way or another. Whilst some display a more artistic temperament, others enjoy successes through ‘out-of-the-box’ thinking. Twitter is a launch pad to connect you and your followers to your own creative work: showcasing writing on blogs, art through photographs, video through Youtube or Vimeo. It also allows these users to experience, find and relate to other creative work and thinking, which in turn inspires and promotes innovative output.

It spreads ideas, informs and links like-minded people together. That is my main reason for this account: to meet and learn from others with Bipolar or working within the mental health sphere; to share positivity and hope to empower and enable other people with the Bipolar diagnosis; to inform others who have people with Bipolar Disorder as family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Oh and have a little rant about my day to day life along the way…